Tough Questions Blog

Here are a few guidelines from the trenches:

1. Crisis reveals a need for community that is always there.  When someone is offended and withdraws from fellowship, crisis usually brings them back.  A community of faith needs to be a place of grace, a place of “welcome back.”  We’re designed to live in community; it is required for our growth.
2. Crisis reveals character.  You often hear people say that after a crisis they found out who was really a true friend.  This fact compounds grief and confusion.   Yet it is also an opportunity to clarify values and priorities.  Small gestures of kindness become very significant.
3. Where will we be when the shock wears off?  After a crisis there is a surge of concern.  Some of it, however well-intentioned, can be misspent.  Americans give each other about two weeks to grieve.  We are uncomfortable with others’ grief and embarrassed by our own.  People of faith need to be responsive to those who grieve all year long.  Ignoring grief can actually prolong it.
4. Faith is not a pain killer.    It helps to think of emotional trauma the same way we think of physical trauma.  First, we need to stop the bleeding.  People need time to heal and as they do, we need to recognize that they are in great pain.  Much of what they say relates to pain, and our instinct is to make sense of it, to fix it.  But remember, the Psalms are full of questions, doubt, and even anger.  There is no shortcut.  It takes time before they will be able to get up and walk.
5. Ministry of presence.  What we say in a crisis can be important.  But what people really need and usually remember are people who show up without an agenda—without a need to be the hero, have answers, or give advice.  Being there, listening and reflecting what you hear without judgment has a calming, restoring effect.
   
   -Tim Filston